An Ache I Still Remember
by TheSacramentIsYou
Summary: Growing up they knew they weren't normal. It went so much deeper than just knowing about and hunting the supernatural. Sam and Dean crossed a line no brothers should, it would be easier to stop if they weren't encouraged. Warnings: Wincest.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- Well this little plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone so here it is. This is just the prologue the other chapters will be longer, also a lot of it will be flashbacks from this point.  
**

**Warnings: Wincest, underage sex, abuse. (May vary depending on the chapter.)**

**Disclaimer: Things would be a little different if Supernatural belonged to me.**

**Spoilers: N/A, PreStanford**

* * *

Sam swallowed hard, the bitter taste in his mouth wouldn't dissipate. It wasn't as if he should be feeling this way. In fact, he was pretty sure it was incredibly wrong to feel the way he did. Biting the inside of his mouth, he turned away from the scene unfolding before him.

It didn't matter what Dean did or who he did it with. Sam shouldn't care who his brother was screwing. They were brothers and that was it.

If only things were that simple but for the Winchesters? Yeah, right. They were so far from normal they made the Adam's Family look like the picture perfect all American family.

Sam tried to tell himself the emptiness he was feeling was completely unrelated but the lie was so cheap he couldn't make himself buy into it even for a moment.

It was wrong to feel this way. It was fucking wrong.

The blond bitch Dean had his arm around was laughing so loud it was beginning to give Sam a headache. Even from across the bar, he could tell she was being completely fake. That didn't matter to Dean and he knew it. It was just someone to feel good with for a while and leave behind like all the others.

This wasn't supposed to go down like this, not at all. He knew Dean fucked girls. He really did, he just didn't need it shoved in his face like this. To be fair his brother wasn't doing it intentionally. Hell, Dean didn't even know he was here. It was a thing between them they ignored, simple as that. Dean would go out for a few hours every now and then and Sam would never ask where he went.

Seeing it though, seeing it hurt so fucking bad.

It was their dad's fault, Sam reminded himself. Everything he was feeling was his dad's fault, all of it. The wrongness, the dependency and most of all the jealousy was all result of the way their dad fucked them up.

Sam smiled at the bartender as he refilled his jack and coke and downed it quickly. He had gotten more than one skeptical look, he had a youthful face but at seventeen he was tall for his age. That plus his fake ID really helped sell it.

Pulling the opened envelope out of his pocket once more he looked down and reread the return address once more. Stanford University. He still couldn't believe he got accepted. He had been so unsure of whether or not he should go. Whether it be the alcohol or the way Dean was nipping at the blond's earlobe it seemed his mind was made up.

Tossing a few crumpled bills on the counter, Sam made his way over to the couple. The woman had to be a few years older than his brother and was clinging to him like she'd maul any other girl who dared try and take Dean away. Sam couldn't blame her.

"Hey dude, I think I'm going to head back to the motel," plastering on a smile he clapped his brother on the shoulder. Dean's expression would have been comical except Sam wasn't much in the laughing mood. The older boy had enough sense to look ashamed, at least to some degree.

"Sammy? What are you doing here?" His gaze was apologetic and it was making something complicated twist in Sam's stomach. Looking away, he shrugged.

"Just getting a few drinks, I didn't want to interrupt you. I'll see you back at the motel." With that, he nodded to the blond, not actually glancing at her and turned on his heel. He would tell Dean later, when he came home stinking of booze and perfume, that he got accepted to Stanford and that he was going.

The night air was bitter, the Massachusetts' winter was harsh. Sam shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his hoodie.

"Sammy! Sam! Hey, wait up," the unmistakable sound of Dean's footfalls behind him made him seize up and stop. "Jeez, kid, you walked out of there so fast, hardly gave me time to excuse myself."

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt you and your friend," the last word came out harsher than he intended and as he turned to face his brother he kept his gaze averted, looking everywhere but those beautiful green eyes.

"Fuck, Sammy listen. That in there, that didn't mean shit I was just-"

"Dean. Stop, please. Whatever. It really doesn't matter. I'm your brother, why should I even care? And it's Sam."

Dean frowned, moving in so close it was making Sam ache in ways he wished he didn't. "Baby," his older brother breathed softly, "it's okay. No one matters to me like you do Sam, you know that." Calloused fingers reached up to brush against his jaw.

More than anything he wanted to lean into that touch, fall into his brother's protective embrace and just feel _Dean_ around him. Instead, he jerked back as if he had been burned and tried and failed to glare at the lighter haired man. "Look, it doesn't matter who you sleep with. I don't care," he lied, "I'm not going to be around much longer anyway."

Green eyes narrowed and if hurt flashed in them for a brief moment, Dean hid it well. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means I got accepted to Stanford and I'm going."

The silence that hung between them was heavy and thick. Sam bit his lip and kicked at the ground absently, trying not to feel regret at the words. He expected Dean to yell at him, to tell him he wasn't allowed to go, to tell him he could go over his dead body. To say anything.

"Does dad know?" The bitter resignation stung more than he could have imagined and he shook his head, he had wanted to talk to Dean first. Things didn't go the way he planned. The older brother made a noncommittal noise, "well make sure you tell him. He deserves to know."

Sam wasn't so sure about that. Their dad was the reason they were like this but he nodded anyway. He wanted to go back to the motel room and curl up with his brother, have Dean kiss him and call him a bitch for wanting to read for a little bit before they went to sleep.

Gasping, his eyes dilated in shock as Dean reached forward to tilt his head upward to allow their gazes to meet. He searched his eyes for a while, leaving Sam feeling more naked than ever, before giving a short nod and allowing his hand to run through his hair for the briefest of moments. He gave him one last soul searching look before turning on his heel and going back into the bar.

He didn't have to say anything, Dean knew Sam wanted to stay with him.

Dean also knew Sam would leave anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- I hope you guys are liking it, let me know if I should keep going. This chapter is going to be kind of disturbing. Seriously. **

**Warnings: Wincest, underage sex, abuse. I am going to put detailed warnings at the bottom of the page, as they are spoilerly. If you are sensitive to sexual abuse at all I would read the warnings at the bottom of the page to see if this would be triggering for you. If you can't handle sexual abuse I wouldn't read this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Things would be a little different if Supernatural belonged to me.**

**Spoilers: N/A, PreStanford**

The first time it happened Sam was nine. They were in New Jersey and their dad was going after a werewolf. It was just another hunt, one that should have gone smoothly. Dean had been tired of hanging around the motel room with his kid brother and wanted to go out for a little. He had just wanted to go get some candy from the corner store. It was only a few blocks away from the motel they were staying at. Sam followed after him at a distance, not wanting to be left alone.

It had been dark and it really was by chance that the very werewolf their father was hunting spotted them and attacked Sammy, not getting very far before John Winchester put a silver bullet through it's heart. Dean had been riddled with guilt and the walk back to the motel was entirely silent.

Sam sat on the arm of the beat up armchair, his long legs dangling as he watched their father pacing. Dean was looking at the carpet as if there was something more interesting than the random faded stains that littered it.

"Dad, it's not Dean's fault," Sam tried again, "I shouldn't have followed him." It was fighting a losing battle, the words barely impacted the stoic man. He didn't know why his father was so mad, things could have gone much worse and it was his fault for following his brother in the first place. Growing frustrated, the child bit his lip, "I just wanted to get some candy with Dean!"

"Dean shouldn't have left in the first place," John shook his head and turned to his oldest, "do you have any idea what could have happened to your brother?"

"I'm sorry sir, it won't happen again. Ever," it was the first time his brother had spoken since they got back to the room and his voice was unwavering. The guilt that was present in his tone made Sam feel bad. Why didn't his dad understand? It was his fault, he was the one who left after Dean.

"You're right, it won't," the bitterness was unexpected. John pinched the bridge of his nose, "Dean you can't keep leaving your brother alone, I thought after… Jesus, Dean. You just can't go off your own without Sammy." Sam frowned, Dean only left when he needed space but he didn't do it very often. He understood that sometimes the other boy needed time to himself, he just really liked being around his brother.

Dean was back to looking at the floor, shamed and nodding, a stream of 'yes, sir's surpassed his lips.

Sam yawned, it was getting really late and their dad didn't seem like he was going to be stopping anytime soon. The lecture was just getting repetitive now. Falling back into the armchair, he kicked his legs back and forth, occasionally sticking them straight up in the air. John was going on and on about something new, something that he and Dean had to do from now on and though he tried to listen to what the new thing was nothing his dad was saying was making much sense to Sam. He figured he would have to ask Dean later.

Dean always knew everything. He was smart and he didn't mind teaching Sam new things. At least not when it came to explaining things to do with hunting.

"The Greeks had the right idea, they had men go to war together and encouraged them to be lovers so they'd take care of each other, so they'd be more courageous-"

Stifling another yawn, Sam figured their dad was talking about a new hunt now. Why else would he be talking about Greece? Making a gun with his pointer finger and thumb, the child made his own sound effects, shooting at the ceiling. Their dad always talked about when they could help with hunts and though the idea seemed kind of cool when Dean talked about it, Sam wasn't sure he could actually go against a real monster. It was just too scary.

Jolted out of his musings, Sam sat up quickly, frowning again. Dean was on his feet, looking frantic and yelling at their dad.

Dean never objected to an order, let alone raised his voice to their dad.

He always listened.

Something had to be very wrong.

"Dad! No way! No way, that's sick! It's wrong! It's gross," he looked panicked, his fists clenched by his sides and his jaw squared. To anyone else he would look like what he wanted to project, tough, defiant. Sam knew better. He knew what Dean looked like when he was scared. What had dad said that had frightened him?

"Dean. This isn't up for discussion. I wouldn't do this if it weren't absolutely necessary."

"I don't see how that would even help!"

"You won't want to leave him anymore."

Sam flinched, he didn't think his brother was going out to get away from him the whole time. Dean wanted to leave him?

"I don't! I won't! Dad, this is so screwed to hell, I can't," his teeth were clenched and he took a protective stance.

"Dean, you need to stop arguing with me, you will do this," the finality of it all was clear. Whatever it was they were supposed to do now, they would have to do it.

Tears were welling in green eyes and more than anything Sam wanted to yell at their dad, tell him to stop making Dean upset. Before he could say anything though his brother was turning to him and closing the gap, pulling him into a tight hug. They never hugged, not unless something serious had happened or was going to happen.

"Dad, you're not making me go away are you?" Why else would they be arguing like that? His voice was tinged with hysteria and he clung to Dean even tighter. "I won't go, I'm not leaving. We won't go out or leave each other anymore."

"You're not leaving," his brother's tone was soft, comforting but strained. He was still so confused. When Dean pulled away he looked sick, like that time he had eaten three burritos in a row and puked them up all night.

Frowning he looked between his father and brother, "so what's going on?"

"New training," Dean offered quickly, "you're not going to like it Sammy but dad says we have to." He sounded angry and there was something else there that Sam couldn't identify.

"Come on boys, move it to the bed." Sam had expected their father to sound angry or even strict like he normally did when he was showing them new training techniques but he just sounded tired and maybe a little sad. Almost reluctantly, Dean helped him up and followed Sam over to one of the queen beds.

"Sammy, look at me," Dean grabbed his face and made sure their gaze met. The younger boy got ready to glare at him for moving his face like that, it was annoying, though when he saw his brother's expression he stopped. Why did he look so scared? "I won't let anything bad happen to you, ever. Got that?" Sam nodded and Dean let go of his face. "Good, we have to take off our clothing for this," he swallowed hard and looked away.

Sam gaped at him, laughter bubbling up in his chest. They had to be naked? Was he kidding? He got ready to crack a joke, trying to keep his laughter at bay but when he saw Dean pulling off his shirt he quirked a brow. Why on earth did they have to be naked? It felt like his heart was replaced with a giant rock. What the heck was going on? He looked at their dad but he was staring in the other direction, drinking from a flask he pulled from his coat pocket.

He guessed he shouldn't look at Dean, it was only polite. Not that they hadn't seen each other naked before but something about this felt like it was wrong.

Feeling a little sick himself but not understanding why he unbuttoned his plaid shirt and folded it before pulling off his undershirt as well. He pulled down his jeans and waited to see if he had to get rid of his underwear too.

A shaky sigh came from the other side of the bed and he looked up to see his brother completely nude, save the necklace he had given him for Christmas last year. "It's okay, you're going to be okay," he nodded and Sam took that as a cue to lose his undergarments as well. Dean moved closer to him though he kept a good distance between them as if he were afraid to get too close to his naked younger brother. He was trying to be confident and strong. Biting his lip, the older boy looked over at their dad, expression lost and utterly helpless.

John sighed and turned to the pair as if he could feel his oldest's eyes on him. "Sam," voice gruff, he coughed loudly, "lay down on your back." Not wanting to question him, he obliged and laid back on the motel bed, his hands covering himself. He watched as their dad left and went to the bathroom, he found himself wondering if this was some weird part of the new training. He didn't have to wonder very much longer as John returned with a small container of complimentary lotion with the motel name stamped across it. He tossed it to Dean awkwardly. "Put it on your fingers, two of 'em and keep the bottle uncapped and nearby," the oldest Winchester took another swig from his flask. "Then you need to get Sam ready, put one finger inside first and move it around then the second one."

Dean looked green again but did as his father said with trembling hands, dropping the little bottle more than once. Sam scrunched up his nose, inside of him? Was his dad going to make him eat lotion? That was gross. He was sure you could get sick from that but he said nothing as Dean crawled over closer to him. He was breathing heavily and uneven, tears in his eyes once more. Sam looked back at their dad who was turned to the wall again.

"Hey, Sammy, c'mon look at me kid," his voice cracked and Sam didn't even want to laugh. "You're okay. You're okay, okay? I'm going to make sure you're okay," he was babbling slightly, looking so desperate and so Sam nodded, trying his best to placate him. He didn't even notice how much closer they were until he felt one of his brother's fingers somewhere where it really shouldn't be.

Jumping, he tried to pull away but Dean pushed him back down, closing his eyes tightly. "Dean! Ew, what the heck are you doing?"

"Sam, stop it. This is part of the new training," his father growled from where he stood and Sam stopped struggling a bit.

"I'm so sorry," Dean croaked and he looked close to bawling. It was just weird, he didn't mean to upset his brother that much.

"It's okay, Dean," he nodded and bit down when he felt a finger breach him. What was going on? It hurt, it felt really uncomfortable and he didn't like it. Not at all. It was awkward and it felt wrong. He was sure this was weird, why the heck would this be part of training? It was embarrassing and so stupid, he wanted to yell at his dad. Why was he making them do this? Still, Dean looked so heartbroken he wouldn't dare voice his objections.

The finger moved around inside of him for a while and when it pulled out Sam was so grateful, he wanted to sit up and never have to do the new 'training' ever again but instead another finger was breaching him along with the first. Tears stung his eyes and he bit down on the inside of his cheek. It hurt! A lot and he wanted to stop now. He couldn't, Dean never cried when he was in pain and whenever they were training he was always brave. He could be brave too.

The fingers just felt weird and uncomfortable now and he guessed that was better than the pain. He only dared to breathe again when Dean pulled them out and wiped them on the bedspread.

"Dad?" His brother swallowed hard and reached for the lotion again.

"He should be okay, Dean, go ahead. Just make sure you use more lotion."

Dean closed his eyes and squirted as much out as he could and brought his hand down between his own legs and...

Sam looked away immediately, his face heating up. He knew one thing, that was not something he was supposed to see. The sounds of skin on skin contact filled the uncomfortable silence and it wasn't long before he could feel Dean's hands on him again. He pulled at his legs and Sam allowed him to move him to wherever he pleased. Something was back at his entrance again and it wasn't Dean's fingers this time. His eyes widened and he looked at his brother.

"It's okay, Sammy," he leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead before slowly pushing into him.

It hurt like crazy and Sam couldn't stifle a yelp of shocked pain. Tears flowed freely and he tried his hardest to stop them. What was Dean doing? Nothing was making sense and it hurt too much to think clearly. He bit his lip and tried to stop from seizing up, it seemed to hurt more when he did.

He wanted to ask Dean to stop, that it hurt too much but the older boy started moving, shallow and gentle. Whatever was going on, Dean knew what to do. He always knew what to do. A sob hitched in his chest and his brother looked up in alarm. The lighter haired boy leaned down and kissed the brunette's forehead over and over again. "You're okay, Sammy. Hey, you're okay. I'm here. I know, I know. It will be over soon, I promise."

Warmth was smearing over his cheeks and it took him a moment to realize it wasn't just his tears.

Dean was openly crying.

Was he in pain too? Reaching up, small fingers ran through the short dirty blond hair and Sam whispered soft reassurances to his older brother. He didn't want Dean to be upset. "You're okay," he mimicked the gentle words back to his brother and continued petting his hair. Tears streamed down his own face and concentrating on making Dean feel better was helping him ignore the pain.

Dean's head dropped forward and he buried it in Sam's neck, moving a little faster and moaning softly. Warmth stung his insides and the younger boy clenched his teeth and closed his eyes. His brother's moans gave way to sobs, deep gut wrenching cries and only then did their father look back over at them. He downed the rest of what was in his flask and left the motel room without a single word.

Sam allowed Dean to cry on him, letting his fingers pet the small hairs at the nape of his neck. Tears slowing trickled down on the pillow beneath him. Dean was hysterical, begging him to forgive him and promising that he would never hurt him again.

"It's okay, Dean. You're okay. You're okay," the brunette whispered softly as his older brother pulled out of him and pulled Sam into a tight embrace.

"It's not okay. Dad made me hurt you. _Iloveyou_, Sammy. I'll always protect you, always. Won't hurt you again, never, never, never," he mumbled incoherently. Sam closed his eyes and burrowed his face into Dean, not caring about being naked anymore. He cringed as he felt the wetness between his thighs but decided to ignore it, whatever it was. He shushed his older brother, telling him he wasn't mad at him. How could he be mad at Dean for something dad made them do? Dean held him and wrapped a blanket around them, not letting go of him even to wrap it around them correctly.

The moonlight bled in strips across the bed and Dean cried some more, while Sam tried to calm him down. Eventually the cries gave way and the older boy finally drifted off.

As he listened to the sound of his brother's now even breathing, nine year old Sam Winchester lie awake trying to figure out what happened to them.

**Warnings: Wincest, underage, child sexual abuse, rape. A father forcing his underage children to have sex. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello dears! I'm here with chapter three, it's pretty much a filler chapter but the next one will be much lovelier I promise. Sorry for how long it took me to update, the next chapter should be up much sooner than this one was.**

**Warnings: Wincest, underage sex, abuse.  
**

**Disclaimer: Things would be a little different if Supernatural belonged to me.**

**Spoilers: N/A, PreStanford**

Sam didn't know why he had thought the training would lessen, that they wouldn't have to do_ that_ again. If anything it got worse, not that he didn't mind being with Dean. On the contrary, he liked being in his brother's company, just all the kissing and touching they had to do seemed so wrong. He loved his brother, he really did but Dean seemed even more upset with the increase in physical affection they were forced into despite how much he tried to convince Sam that everything was okay.

Sam wasn't an idiot by any means, he hated being kept in the dark and so after a lot of pestering he finally got Dean to crack a little. He just wanted to know what it was they were doing and why they had to do it. Dean pretty much dodged every question thrown his way but Sam was determined. Finally after a dismissive, "it's called sex, Sammy, just stop asking questions." He decided to do some research, the computers at the library weren't all too helpful. Websites were blocked but he knew simple ways around things like that, research was probably the thing he was best at when it came to helping with hunting and he liked it.

It was rather confusing at first before Sam could sort through everything and actually figure out what was happening to them specifically.

"Dean?"

"Hmm?" The older boy was lounging on one of the queen beds, watching tv and eating a bag of peanut m&ms.

"Is the stuff we do, you know… the new training," he watched as his brother tensed at the words and looked away from the tv, "is that rape?"

He wasn't prepared for Dean's reaction. The older boy choked on the m&m he had tossed into his mouth moments before and after a few seconds of coughing he finally dislodged it from his throat, spitting it out in his hand. He made a face and threw it on the floor, before finally making eye contact. Dean stared at Sam like a deer caught in headlights, swallowing audibly. "What the hell Sam? Where did you hear that?" Dean jumped to his feet and paced, unclenching and clenching his fists, "please tell me you didn't ask someone? Please tell me you didn't tell someone about it, Sam."

"I didn't, Dean! I'm not stupid! I looked it up on the computer in the library and I couldn't find anything that sounded like what we did…" he sighed and climbed onto the bed Dean had been lying on. "I mean, kind of but not really so I tried looking up if brothers have sex and it took a while but all I found was a bunch of stuff talking about rape and incest. So I looked up what they meant, Dean rape is when someone forces another person into sexual intercourse. That's what dad's doing, right?"

"Shut it, Webster. Jesus Christ, kid. Fuck, fuck, fuck," Dean frowned, "no, dad's not raping us… if anything I'm-"

Dean coughed again and Sam wondering if he was choking on another piece of candy but he just looked rigid. He was turned toward the wall and when he spoke again his voice was strained, "just listen Sammy, please. You know you can't tell anyone about what we do, the hunting and the truth about what's out there. This is even more important." Dean turned back, his face grim and he slowly walked back over to the bed, sitting down next to Sam. "You have to promise, Sam. We need dad, okay?"

Sam sighed and leaned into his brother when Dean slung an arm around his shoulder, "I won't, Dean. You know I won't."

Dean pressed a kiss to the child's forehead and whispered an apology.

Why did their life have to be so confusing?

* * *

They were supposed to be continuing with their newest form of training while their dad was gone but neither Dean nor Sam said anything about it or tried to initiate anything. It was a little strange, Sam guessed, with the intimacy there one moment and gone the next. Though, Dean was a lot more hands on with him now, throwing his arm over his shoulders, pressing his hand to his back when they went anywhere, letting him snuggle up to him when they slept. It seemed like he was even more protective now than ever.

Sam was sure what their dad was doing was rape, after all he had looked it up and read into it. There was nothing else it could be, right? He didn't understand how him and Dean doing all of these things together was going to help them be better hunters. None of it made sense but he trusted Dean and if Dean said they needed to listen to their dad, Sam would listen.

"Dad's coming home today," Dean's voice shook Sam from his thoughts and he nodded. Neither acknowledged the tension that followed the words.

Looking guilt stricken, Dean swallowed, "well we have some money left, so do you want to get a pizza?"

Sam nodded, not really in the mood to eat anything but knowing his brother would make him anyway. Plus, Dean really liked pizza and knowing what would happen when their dad got home… well Dean deserved to have some happiness before everything went to shit.

The freckled boy hopped up and went into the conjoining room, grabbing a small wad of money on the way and beginning to count it. Sam returned his attention back to the tv screen, deciding to get lost in the show for a while before their dad came home and made them train together.

It shouldn't feel like this Sam decided. They shouldn't look to their father coming home with sickened anticipation. They should be happy. What they were doing felt so different than anything else they had done before. Sex… or whatever it was didn't seem right, at least not the way they were doing it.

It's always the same, their dad would give them cold instructions and drink himself hoarse, sometimes watching them with deadened eyes or sometimes looking off into nothing. It was all very procedural and he supposed that was how it was supposed to be, they were told this was training after all. Sam wondered if he should bring up the subject of rape to their dad, he knew what Dean would say if he knew he was thinking about it but shouldn't he tell their dad it was illegal? Though, their father was okay with doing a lot of illegal things so maybe he was okay with rape too.

A hand gently squeezed his shoulder and Sam jumped. Dean gave him a rueful smile and removed his hand from his shoulder, "didn't mean to startle you, Sammy."

"S'okay Dean, did you order the pizza?"

The lighter haired boy shook his head and Sam quirked a brow, "why not?" A shrug was the only response he got and when he really looked at his brother he could see he was wound up tight with tension. "What is it, Dean? What's wrong?"

"It's just… this. Everything," he sighed and gripped the beat up couch the child was sitting on, short fingernails digging into the fabric. Reaching up a small hand, Sam tried to smooth away the worry lines appearing on his brother's forehead and Dean practically fell onto the couch next to him. Swallowing hard, Dean sat up straighter and a look of determination dominated his features. He turned, took Sam's face in his hands…

And kissed him.

Sam's eyes widened considerably, it was just a simple kiss from his brother but it was long and well, they only did this when they were doing _training_ stuff.

Dean kept his lips pressed to Sam's softly for a few moments, opening his mouth just a little to kiss and gently pull at Sam's bottom lip. Gently, he pulled away and grabbed his brother into a hug.

"Dean?" This wasn't adding up, their dad wasn't home yet and Dean was starting already? Was he listening to their father's instructions? That didn't make sense, why now after all this time?

"Sammy," he choked out, "I'm sorry. I am. I hate that we have to do this, I really do. You're my kid brother, I hate hurting you but I can't take another second of dad standing over us and watching. I can't take it. If we start now, it can be just you and me. You know? Dad will come in for the very end of it and then he won't make us do it while he's watching. Maybe, if we do it now, he can catch us right after and that'll be good enough." His eyes were coated in desperation, "we can do it our way, Sammy. We can go as slow as you need and I won't do anything you don't want me to. Never again."

Sam pulled back a little and studied his brother, watching how desperate he was but said nothing at first. The other boy was growing restless and pulled all the way out of the embrace, "Sam, I'm sorry. I know it's horrible. I just… fuck! I just need some sort of control over this, okay? This is so wrong, kid, you don't even know the half of it. But we can do this, we can make it ours. If we have to do it we can do it our way and not let dad tell us how to do it. It's what he wants anyway, us to do it on our own. I can't stand even one more night of him lookin' at us like that. Let's make it ours, please Sammy?"

He looked so wrecked that the younger boy bit his lip, he didn't think he could stand another night of their dad looking at them like that either. He understood his brother, he knew it killed Dean to do this but even more so to do it while their father looked at them with eyes glazed over in drunkenness and so dead. It killed him. It killed Dean to have his hero look at them that way. It made sense, he guessed, he and Dean could do it on their own and not have to have their dad watch. They could do it their way, as brothers... or well, just together. The idea made him feel safer. "Okay, Dean. We can do it now, it's okay," Sam sat up a little more and nodded. No more dictating or hazy leers. Just them. It seemed more right than it ever had.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, Dean, let's go," Sam rose to his feet and decided against turning off the tv. The background noise would help diffuse some of the tension. It was the first time they would do it themselves. They would be okay.

"C'mon Sammy, I'll take care of you. I always will," Dean took his hand and gave it a squeeze. Sam knew those words would ring true. Dean never broke a promise to him.

When John came back to the motel it was to the sounds of his children finishing what he made them start in the first place. He felt sick to his stomach and so fucking relieved they were doing it without prompting. Finally, it was working.


End file.
